Don’t believe a word I say: The Groannys

By Bob Segarini
I’m sure by now, that everybody has chimed in on the Grammys, yet I feel obligated to drag the poor, wounded relic down the stairs for one last hurrah.

The consensus seems to be that the Grammys suck.

Not like Jenna Jameson.
Like a Hoover.

You are a muso that loves, has knowledge of, and follows great music where ever and when ever you can find it, (mostly on the internet or at your local equivalent of Barney’s Indie Music Barn these days).  You hear about an artist either online or through trusted friends. Your interest in music probably demands great songs, and great live and studio performances by actual musicians that do not have to have perfect teeth and hair, or a great rack, or an ass you could eat a taco off of…or all of the above.

The music you listen to has to be more than just popular, embraced by the casual listeners that dominate radio and record sales. It has to be fucking GOOD.

Unlike the people that just want the latest hit, flavour, or hyped-on-TV hottie, you need to be engaged, touched, reached by music in order to love it, or buy it, or download it, or whatever. AND, unlike the Casuals, you will follow an artist through thick and thin to see what they do next, to hear their latest musical offering…and you don’t give a shit about who they date, what they wear, or how hip their clothes/car/anything else happens to be. Those things have nothing to do with the music, and you know it. You want artists who at least seem like they deserve a career, not just a hit.

The Grammys are not for you.

Sure, they always throw in some career artists, but most of the time they do some really strange stuff with them. Friends of mine that DO watch the Grammys, watch it for the same reason they watch American Idol and Survivor.

The Fail.
We LOVE to watch failure. The idiot on the skateboard with an outboard motor strapped to his ass. The Victoria’s Secret model who can’t walk in high heels and takes a header into the runway. The accountant that eats a tree slug to win a Twinkie on some rat infested atoll. The totally delusional mini-divas that think the amount of notes they sing in a song will win them an indentured slavery contract and a pant load of writers, makeup people, managers, lawyers, agents, and syncophants, whose only purpose is to use them until the next one comes along.
It is never the winners of these little Bread and Circus’s we watch for…it’s the poor, pathetic losers that draw us to these trainwrecks. If Simon Cowell, (is that a character he plays on tv, or is he really a douche?), actually keeps his word and eliminates most or all of the painful auditions, I’ll wager AI will lose half of it’s audience.

OK…the Grammys:

The Win: Stevie Wonder.
The Fail:  The Jonas Brothers? I actually like the kids, but Jesus, aren’t ANY of the new artists as soulful as Stevie?

The Win: The tribute to Dean Martin.
The Fail:  The Rap Pack? THE RAP PACK?! Do I even have to say that this was wrong? Christ, weren’t there any singers available? The guys from Rascal Flats could have knocked this out of the park.

The Win:  Sugarland
Double Win: Adele. Whoever came up with this pairing should keep his job.

The Win: Bono and U2, Coldplay and Paul McCartney.
The Fail: They let them perform.

The Win: The memorial mentions of artists we lost in the past year.
The Fail:  The incredible amount of people they left out. For starters, where the hell was any mention of Jeff Healey? Lux Interior? Alan Gordon, the guy that wrote ‘Happy Together’? Let’s see one of the new kids write one that sticks to the ribs as long as that song has.

I’m sure you can all fill in the rest of them yourselves.

If you liked the Grammys, fine. It’s just not about music. I don’t think it ever has been.
I truly believe there is a ton of great new music and artists right now. More than ever before, but most of them weren’t on the stage Sunday night, or on radio last year, or signed to a major label.

Whose fault is that?

That’s enough for now. Email me at radioresurrected@gmail.com with your comments, complaints, and thoughts…and remember…don’t believe a word I say.

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now a content  provides www.radiothatdoesntsuck.com with RadioZombie, The Iceage, and PsychShack. Along with the love of his life, Jade (Pie) Dunlop, (who hosts and writes “I’ve Heard That Song Before” on RTDS), continues to write, make music, and record.